I am of the opinion that there should be qualifications for navigating the tangled life of the suburbs. You've heard of Auto Drivers tests? I think there should be an SCD test (Shopping Cart Drivers test). Seriously. People, who I am sure are otherwise intelligent and reasonably polite, all of a sudden turn into blind and self-centered people when they land behind a shopping cart. Universe "YOU". Population: 1.
Is it truly necessary to park your cart diagonally while you take 2 hours to choose the perfect oven mitt? And is there some kind of conspiracy, some special 'nod', that brings total strangers together in the united goal to ambush and trap me in the isle while they contemplate the precarious selection of cough syrup and ace bandages (respectively)? Really? And then there's the "I-know-my-cart-doesn't fit-but-I'm-too-impatient-to-wait-so-I'll-barrel-through-anyway-and-rip-your-finger-off" maneuver. Oh yeah. Just happened to me today. Well, okay. Technically my finger is still intact. But had I insisted on standing my ground (I'd been waiting for oven mitt lady way longer than she had, after all) I would have lost a finger. (Note to self: keep hands and fingers inside the cart at all times.) Instead I did some quick thinking and executed a pretty sweet full reverse move while avoiding an obnoxiously placed cardboard display of DVDs. (Although I guess that display worked. I vaguely remember thinking, "Hey, I didn't know that movie was already out!" as I nearly ran into it.)
Maybe I'm just a magnet for uncomfortable shopping situations. Like my Dad is a magnet for dismal failure at drive-up fast food windows (I don't think 'Sprite' sounds that much like 'fries'.) Why does the woman with the obviously superior and highly enlightened child rearing techniques (aka let the child scream till it turns purple) always seem to attach some invisible tether to my cart ? (Advil, anyone?)
Perhaps there's a lesson in this. Perhaps the SCD test would work. But so hard to enforce. (What would be the Big Box Store's answer to a 'Meter Maid'? 'Bar-code Buddy'?) Or maybe there's something more to it. Maybe this is my pinhole view of the human condition. Are people are getting more cranky and selfish by the day? (No, I'm not cranky... I'm observant.) Or maybe I need to spend less time shopping and more time making the world a better place. And maybe Dad needs to spend less time going through the fast-food drive-thru. (Okay, perhaps that is a little extreme.) What I am trying to say, dear reader (whoever you are): Just take a deep breath, look inside yourself for peace. And the next time you feel like you MUST have some worldly good, just stay home.
Sucker!
More room for me in isle 3!!!
Hit a cord here! lol
ReplyDeleteI hate grocery shopping as it is but the rudeness of people just never ceases to amaze me.
I've told Gene for years that I would love to design a store with 'lanes' in the aisles. The fast lane(me), the I-don't-know-what-the-heck-I'm-doing lane & the sloooow lane. My biggest peeve is when I'm in the main aisles & people just barrel out of the side aisles without looking... makes me feel like saying, "Do you drive like this? Seriously?" They need blinkers & stop lights!
I used to leave the store totally stressed from this internalized anger & irritation. lol Now, I smile while at the grocery, even at the most annoying of 'people' & leave feeling much more relaxed. Deep calming breaths help too.
HA!HA! Lanes... I love it! Between that and the licenses we'll whip 'em into shape. I totally agree about the 'sideswipers'. They come barreling out full speed and then give you a nasty look for being in their way. (Stopping a moment for a deep breath...) Anywho, shopping season is almost over. Till it is, I think I'll hibernate. Just use up the food in the house. I'll finally thaw that 2 pounds of mystery meat that's been in the freezer since... forever. Thanks for the comment!!
ReplyDeleteJenny, you are HILARIOUS! I had no idea you had such a funny writing style! You know, it takes talent to be able to take some normal, ordinary every day thing and turn it into something funny. You know, to really draw out the funny side of life! I am a HUGE fan of people who can do that. Bravo!
ReplyDeleteAw shucks, thanks (blushing). I always have all these quirky thoughts going on in my head and writing is a good way to get them out there, without everyone thinking you're crazy. Or if they do think you're crazy you can't see the alarmed look on their faces, and so proceed blissfully unaware!(or is it unawares?) You have that talent too, my freind! (The writing part, not the crazy part)
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